Friday, December 16, 2011

The Reject's Weekend Puzzler: Alien Abduction or New Parent?

Have you ever, or are you currently, experiencing any of the following:

1.) Lost or unaccounted for periods of time?

2.) Strange medical examinations involving poking and prodding, typically of reproductive organs?

3.) The belief that you have been secretly been captured and held hostage by an ersatz- or non-human, but humanoid, being?

4.) If yes to #3, did you also develop a mystical feeling of identification with or love of this captor? (Additional areas of concern: Is/are the size of their eyes/heads oddly out of proportion to the rest of their body? Is/was your initial impression that their skin is/was oddly colored - say, green or yellow?)

5.) A sense that some great change has occurred in the form of an experience no one else quite seems to understand but that generates intense emotions for you?

6.) If yes to #5, do occasional moments of return to previous life produce a feeling of profound disorientation?

7.) Have you sought out, or has it been suggested to you that you seek out, recovery & support groups in order to meet others struggling with the same issues?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, then you may have either had a baby or been abducted by aliens. Simple physical examinations are likely to be inconclusive under such circumstances, although the presence of a baby can be seen to tip the scale in favor of parenthood. However, even this evidence does not rule out the unlikely confluence of both alien abduction and new parenthood, nor the far more disturbing possibility that your baby is an alien sent to learn about humans and/or infiltrate our planet with the goal of upsetting the galactic order. If that's the case, I don't really have any advice, but you're probably going to need a lot more than a support group.

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