The decision to have children is a difficult one and not something to be taken lightly. Having gone through an arduous period of pro and con list-making and heated arguments with my spouse on our road to parenthood, here is a little quiz to get you started if you are wondering whether or not you are ready to get knocked up.
If you already have children, you are free to take this quiz. But if you have the time to do so, you should probably be doing something else more productive with your time. Just sayin'.
1.) Do you like children? (If yes, add 5 points. If no, subtract 10 points. Not sure? Proceed to question #2.)
2.) Do you feel like something is oddly missing in your life because you do not find mango slices in your plastic potty, jars of peanut butter in your bathtub, or bottles of nail polish in your underwear drawer? (Yes - add 3 points. No - subtract 1 point.)
3.) Do you own a plastic potty? (If yes - add 2 points. If no - subtract 1 point)
4.) Are you looking for an iron clad excuse to get out of anything from family get-togethers to office holiday parties? (If yes, add 5 points.)
5.) Do you like to leave the house after 6 pm? (If no - add 4 points. If yes - subtract 4 points.)
6.) Have you ever heard of the following: (add one point for each yes)
a.) Strawberry Hemangioma
e.) Mucous plug
7.) Do you think Intussesception is a movie staring Leonardo DiCaprio? (If yes - subtract 2 points. If no - add 1 point. If you actually know what Intussesception is and you do not work in a medical field, add 3 more points.)
8.) Ferber is:
a.) a person
b.) a place
c.) a character on The Backyardigans
d.) what the heck is The Backyardigans?
( a- add 2 points; b - add 0 points; c - add 1 point; d - subtract 1 point)
9.) Hand, foot and mouth disease is:
a.) why I don't eat beef from Canada or the UK
b.) a highly contagious childhood illness
(a - add 0 points; b - add 2 points)
9.) Coxsackie is
a.) a game you play by kicking a little bean bag around with your feet
b.) a naughty adult activity
c.) the name of a comet currently on a collision course with earth in 2016
d.) the virus that causes Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease
(a - rasta man!; b - get your mind out of the gutter!; c - well, aren't you paranoid!; d - add 3 points)
10.) Do you like to sleep? (If yes, subtract 6 points. If no, add 6 points.)
11.) Do body processes generally freak you out? (If yes, subtract 3 points. If no, add 3 points.)
12.) Art made with dried pasta glued to construction paper is:
a.) going straight to the refrigerator
b.) delightfully kitsch
c.) the sign of the next Grandma Moses
(a, b, or c - add 1 point each; d - subtract 2 points)
13.) You see a child pick up a piece of glass off the sidewalk. You:
a.) rush over to grab it out of their hands
b.) wait to see what happens - experience is the best teacher!
c.) I can't answer this question because 13 is an unlucky number
(a - add 1 points; b - add 1 point; c - go wash your hands 6 times and check whether the stove is turned off)
Okay! You're done. Now add up your points. Multiply by your age if you are a woman or your age minus 3 years if you are a man. Divide by your partner's score. Write that score down on a piece of paper (blue if you hope for a boy, pink if you want a girl, graph paper if you're hoping for multiples). Send it to yourself in the mail. When it arrives, ask yourself what you would do if a small demon tore the envelope to shreds before you got a chance to see its contents.
If your answer involves whuppings, loud cursing, or threats of dismemberment - wait 6 months and re-take the quiz. If your answer involves heavy sighing, under-the-breath cursing, and a martyred attitude - congratulations! You may be ready to be a parent.