Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Reject's Top Five: Notable First Dates

One of my readers - a friend who is possibly my only reader - mentioned that she enjoyed reading posts but wished I had been blogging during my pre-child, pre-married life. Although many of those stories are not for mass consumption, it's never too late for a look back at those that are. Here is a post in her honor.

5.) Two for one at the Indian Buffet - a good female friend and I ate lunch at our favorite Indian buffet at least 2-3 times a week for a period in graduate school. All the servers got to know us, not only because we were at the restaurant so often but also because most of the other patrons were men who worked in the surrounding offices or large Indian families. There weren't a lot of other single ladies going crazy over the goat curry. One day, while grabbing a plate for my second round of pakoras, one of the servers stocking the buffet asked me out. I explained that I had a boyfriend. Without missing a beat, he asked "what about your friend?" Although not technically a first date, I feel like I have to include this because I still find it so darn funny.

4.) Rude Boy - I embarked on this date with an ex-hockey player full of misgivings. He had basically stopped his car and asked me out on the street, which was novel enough to get my attention. Also, at that time I had been on enough bad dates with reasonable people that he got to take advantage of the "why not" heyday of my dating days. He was cute, but something seemed off. Minutes into our drinks, it became obvious what that was: his sense of appropriate conversation, not to mention boundaries and personal space. He kept trying to touch me and started telling stories (really, really loudly) about training camp when the coach "dumped a box of condoms on the table" and asked whether women still "wore their pubic hair in the landing strip." He told me all about ex-wife "The Bitch," his daughter "The Mini-bitch" (seriously?), and driving drunk. The date ended with an unpleasant kiss - him leering in with a creepy poker tongue, me trying to get away and winding up getting licked on the cheek. Next.

3.) MBA - Most Boring American. As bad as being rude on a first date is being boring. If you've seen the movie LA Story, remember that scene where Steve Martin and the blond british chick are at a dinner and sneak off to fool around while some super-dull dude is giving an interminable yawner of a speech? This date was like that - the speech, not the sneaking off part. He was in business school and spent at least half an hour chronicling the ordeal of getting his name badge for his summer internship. From what I can recall, this involved a lot of miscommunications about what building he needed to report to for his photo. ("And then I went to Building B. But they sent me to Building A. And the folks in Building A send me back to Building B! But the folks in Building B had already sent me to Building A. So I went back to Building A. Can you believe it? Heh heh!") Heh heh. Meh. What could have actually been presented as a funny comedy of errors in under 3 minutes nearly put me to sleep in closer to 30. He ended the evening with a delusional "Wow. What a great date!" Couldn't disagree more.

2.) You, me, your friend, and the drunk girl - for this first date, we doubled with the guy's best friend and his date; a weird arrangement, in retrospect: me and three strangers. The friend and his date were in an unspecified relationship that today would probably be classified as "friends with benefits." Although I think it was maybe just about the benefits minus the friendship. Anyway, the date was dressed like a naughty nurse. Wait, no. That's wrong. She was a nurse, and she was just dressed naughty according to Midwestern standards. We went to a brewpub where there were a bunch of taxidermy animal heads hanging behind the bar (also weird decor, in retrospect) and right above where we were sitting there was some kind of stuffed cat. She spent the evening getting drunker and drunker and making more and more references to "pussy" and pointing at the cat head, cackling, until she - literally - fell off the bar stool. The three of them went home together, which was by that point, quite a relief.

1.) You and Tequila - the night after I explained how I was totally not ready for a relationship, I met this guy for coffee. "Coffee" actually turned out to mean "sushi and sake" and we had a bunch of both. As we were leaving, the guy said sushi never seemed like a meal and asked if I wanted to go to the restaurant across the street for some real food. He ordered us butternut squash ravioli with brown butter and sage and a bottle of '96 Dom Perignon. Then we walked to his apartment to see his collection of balalaika records. Ha ha! Kidding! (That's a Bell Jar reference, ducklings.) I mean his collection of tequilas! We drank most of a bottle of Herradura Anejo and I explained that I could not drive home but that I would not take off any of my clothes. He slept on the couch and gave me his bed, which was made up with insanely high thread-count sheets and smelled quite good. In the morning, he made me a cappuccino and a plate of melon wrapped in proscuitto with limes. I think this was the best first date of all time. Two years later I married him.

What about you? Good dates? Bad dates? Memorable dates?


  1. You and Tequila definitely sounds like the best date ever. Melon wrapped in proscuitto FTW!

  2. I remember the hockey player era. Although you never let us SEE any of these "winners." I do recall some conversations/descriptions of these dates in terms not suitable for mass consumption :)

  3. I think your mom described some of these at your wedding...

  4. I was reading the part about tequila and thinking, "that sounds like her and Matteo"... lo and behold!

  5. guys! You read this stuff! You really read this stuff!
    @Miss M: What gave it away? The tequila??
    @Boothnavy: mom knew about this? Uh-oh.
    @chatwrite: a girl may kiss and tell, but not kiss and show and tell.
    @Hawk3eye: I know, right? FTW, indeed! ;-)