Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Another Reject Quiz: Are you a Bad Parent?

Those of us who have kids all worry about it from time to time: are we bad parents? The answer is probably yes.

Kidding! The answer is probably no, but it can't hurt to do a little quiz.

If you don't have kids yet, feel free to check out the virtual parent in you by picking the answers you think would best describe your parenting style. Or try Are you Ready to Be a Parent? Already know you don't want kids but feel like taking a quiz? How about Japanese Snack Food or IKEA Product or Serial Killer vs. Stay at Home Mom.

1.) How many children do you have:
a.) not enough
b.) too damn many
c.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing outside
d.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing with kerosene and a box of matches

2.) My main reasons for becoming a parent were:
a.) children are a joy without which life would be bleak and incomplete
b.) tequila and questionable judgement
c.) dishwasher is broken, hate to do laundry - little hands are built for chores!

3.) If my parenting style were represented by an animal, it would be a:
a.) tiger
b.) sloth
c.) brown-headed cowbird

4.) My approach to discipline is:
a.) innocent until proven guilty
b.) guilty until proven innocent
c.) Kaspar Hauser

5.) My feelings about children are:
a.) mostly positive
b.) mostly negative

6.) Your twelve-year-old son asks to sleep over at a friend's house. Your response:
a.) sure - so glad the kid has friends - but check in with the friend's parents before giving permission
b.) whoo-hoo! there's a "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon and chardonnay don't drink itself!
c.) our kid has been living with friends since the age of eight

7.) Your kids call you:
a.) mom or dad
b.) by first name
c.) rarely to never

8.) Your nine year old daughter is:
a.) a star athlete and excellent student
b.) insecure but kindly
c.) pregnant

9.) Finish this phrase: Ain't nobody happy if _________
a.) My kid ain't happy
b.) Mama ain't happy
c.) Mama ain't got weed

10.) If others had to describe your relationship to your children in terms of a moving vehicle it would be:
a.) helicopter
b.) bulldozer
c.) clown car

11.) At the end of the day, there is not enough ______ in the world to make me consider ______ more children.
a.) money, not having
b.) Vicodin, having
c.) rope, hanging...wait...I meant "having"...that's like a thought typo. Freaky! Is that Freudian?...but who started talking about rope, anyway?...heh heh...burp...want a tipple?

12.) Bullying:
a.) Is offensive, damaging, and completely unacceptable
b.) Is like nut allergies: something incomprehensibly (and potentially contestably) on the rise
c.) Gets results

13.) I put my children to bed with:
a.) a story, warm milk, and a kiss
b.) a stuffed animal and a firm goodnight
c.) Benadryl and bourbon

14.) If people tried my life, they would think I was:
a.) a lucky, lucky schmuck
b.) a martyr or saint
c.) a schmuck

15.) The best gift my kid could give me would be:
a.) anything they made or chose would be a treasure
b.) silence
c.) figuring out how to light my cigarettes without burning their fingers

Mostly A's - you either don't have kids, don't spend much time with them, or got really lucky. You may also be lying.

Mostly B's - well, at least you're honest.

Mostly C's - maybe you should be a little less honest. Or a little more worried. You need a break. And a plan. Pull a cowbird for a bit and contemplate how to find the joy in your lineage.

Mostly D's - did you really take this quiz?

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