Saturday, December 8, 2012

25 Things I'm Thinking About So You Don't Have To

It's been a while since I posted a list or a quiz. And it is also the season for doing good deeds. This post addresses both matters.

I've been spending a lot of time waiting in line (oddly, since I did most of my holiday shopping online) and not sleeping very much/well (sadly, because I am exhausted), so I've started jotting down the random queries floating through my mind. Perhaps you've been pondering some of the same issues! But now you can go back to using your brain cells for thinking about more important stuff, because I've got the detritus covered. Here goes:

1.) Why do Anthropologie stores smell like Goodwill - and how do they get away with selling weird lumpy crocheted purses for $268 and hideously patterned silk blouses for $189?

2.) And speaking of hideously patterned silk blouses, when did these become "wardrobe staples"? (Thanks for the tip, InStyle!)  Ditto "tough, small studs," "last season's must-have fur vest" (!?) and "envelope clutches." Okay - I actually like the envelope clutch trend, even though - or perhaps because - it sort of sounds like the name of a band. "Let's go see Envelope Clutch at the Casbah tonight, dude."

3.) When did J Crew shoes get so pricey? And why? Are they hoping to win the ugly crown away from the silk blouses this season?

4.) Is Taylor Swift the new Jennifer Aniston? What is up with her taste in men boys?

5.) Do phrases like "fashion forward," "flavor profile," "of the moment," "bespoke," or "house made" really mean anything?

6.) This coat looks like Cookie Monster agreed to be the designer for a Yo Gabba Gabba pop up store at a Katy Perry concert. (The picture doesn't really capture the true asymmetrical nature of its uneven and oversized boxiness. From different angels it looks like the wearer is a strangely shaped package wrapped up in fuzzy fabric by a drunken toddler.) And yet it has received press in every fashion magazine I have read in the past two months (n=4). Oh - and it costs $4,400. Even those ugly crocheted Anthropologie purses are blushing.

7.) Why do I not make extensive notes on gifts given so that I do not send people the same stuff year after year?

8.) Why did I not make extensive notes on gifts received last year so that I do not make any gigantic re-gifting faux pas?

9.) Why did I not write The Hater's Guide to Williams Sonoma?

10.) Well thank god someone invented this. How else was I going to grill all those jalapeno poppers we traditionally prepare for the holidays?

11.) Why do the public restrooms at the beach smell exactly like the lion cages at the zoo?

12.) Is there a more perfect cookie than Kellogg's holiday wreaths?

13.) Puffy coats, ladies of southern California? Really? It's 53 degrees. Everyone knows that's when you pull out your furs. For shame.

14.) What's up with America's Sexiest Douchebag these days?

15.) Should I be making my own marshmallows? How about soap? Ketchup?

16.) Ponchos. Huh.

17.) Are bounce houses really inflated with danger? We used plain old air in the one at our daughter's birthday party. Is that why no one got hurt? Certainly bounce houses post risks, but I'm having trouble getting all that worked up about the claim that "a child [is injured in one] every 46 minutes." I mean, my kid gets injured about every 46 seconds doing things like walking or eating Cheerios. Now I'm wondering if I should stick her in a bounce house to keep her safe for that extra 45 minutes and 14 seconds. (And yes, I know that's not how statistics really work, but you can see where I'm going with this.)

18.) What is up with this Target and Neiman Marcus collaboration? Who thought "Oh I know how to tackle the horns of the bull that is this troubled retail season! Let's make a joint line of ugly, useless stuff that's too expensive for the average Target shopper and too cheap for the typical Neimans customer and then we'll sell it at both places! Genius!"

19.) Is there anything people are not putting in high end, artisinal, "bespoke" chocolate bars these days? Ah, yes. Poop. Which is too bad, because it would take my whole poop or chocolate? thing to a whole new level.

20.) Has anyone ever said the words "You know what I love? Scrubbing the toilet!" except sarcastically in the middle of an argument with a spouse/roommate/child about who is working harder/has the more horrible life/is a bigger slob?

21.) Was Pierce Brosnan a better James Bond as Thomas Crown in "The Thomas Crown Affair" than in the actual Bond movies?

22.) How do people have more than one child? Literally and figuratively.

23.) Daniel Craig. Mmmmm.

24.) Are cheese curds and cottage cheese the same thing?

25.) Why does Donald Duck only wear a shirt most of the time, but when he goes into the water he only wears swim trunks?