The Reject's Top Five: Holiday-siacs

Some of us love the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's and are ready for shopping, caroling, cookie-baking, dreidel-ing, candle-lighting and whatever other traditions we observe. Others hate the holidays with an abiding passion. And still others could go either way but require a bit of activation energy to get over the hump of dread or disinterest and into the holiday spirit.

I alternate between the first and third groups, depending on the year. So I thought I'd share a few of my favorite holiday-siacs in case you are similarly inclined and need a little boost to get in the mood. Not that I fancy myself a shlump-ier Gwyneth Paltrow (although you may choose to see my recommendations as "poop" to her "gloop") but I always love to hear about other people's holiday obsessions or buzzkills and figured I may as well share my own.

5.) Pine boughs and/or scented candles - nothing says "wintertime" to me like the smell of pine. If you are allergic to pine, or do not live in a geographic region that supports its existence, scented candles are a nice alternative. A good holiday candle must walk the fine line between evoking a midnight stroll through a forest lit by luminarias as snow gently falls and stumbling into Pine-sol territory. Not all "pine" or "winter" candles are created equal. This year we are burning two by NEST: the regular holiday version (think fresh and trendy day spa) and Elton John's holiday version (the darker, hipper W hotel lobby of holiday candles). Both are pricey, but worth it because they last and last, look pretty, and smell delicious. A slightly cheaper and year-round option is Trapp's Sexy Cinnamon (heady, and powdery, and perhaps a bit overpowering to some noses). Or, for the pine purist, The Thymes, Ltd.'s Frasier Fir is the next best thing to planting a tree in your living room. Votive versions of the Sexy Cinnamon and Frasier Fir candles are one way to test the scent without a $30-40 commitment.

4.) Books - my favorite all-time holiday book is "Christmastime" by Sandra Boynton. I think it is now out of print, so a close second is "The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Holidays." Whoops. It appears that is out of print, too. Well, they are still worth reading if you can score a copy somehow.

3.) Cookies - my mother's family pepparkakor (that's Swedish for gingerbread) recipe is a closely guarded secret. It is also a lot of work, if memory serves. Instead, I indulge my love of corn-flake wreath cookies which are cheap, easy, and do not require baking. They also provide a rare opportunity to rub my hands with butter, which is just so very "Handmaid's Tale," but oddly pleasing nonetheless. I like to garnish the cookies with red hots or cut up candied cherries. High fiber cereal can be substituted for regular corn flakes if you desire a healthier treat - or the opportunity to gift your friends in the cookie exchange with a surprise colon blow. If these don't grease your cookie sheet, a gingerbread biscotti from Starbucks is a sweet alternative.

2.) Music - I have over 500 holiday songs in my iTunes, so it is tough to narrow down. But any holiday album by Elvis or Dean Martin's is classic. I am currently coveting the "Christmas with the Rat Pack Album" that I assume will capture the holiday's boozy sensibility. Raul Malo's "Marshmallow World" nicely updates that genre. I can't get enough of Placido Domingo's "Christmas with Placido Domingo" and my secret pleasure is Enya's "And Winter Came." Most quirky - or annoying, depending on your taste - is "Music Box Christmas." And in the relatively empty menorah of Hannukah albums, "Erran Baron Cohen Presents: Songs in the Key of Hannukah" is a bright light.

1.) Drinks - my family's Glogg recipe (pronounced more like "gleg" - that's "greg" with an l - not "grog" rhyming with "frog"), a Swedish spiced and fortified wine, is like the velvet hammer of holiday drinking (recipe follows). However, it isn't for everyone. For one thing, it is served with raisins and blanched almonds in the bottom of the cup. After five or six glasses, the raisins can take on the appearance of rat droppings, which can be off-putting. Also, even when the glasses are small, the fortification packs a punch, so use with caution if you typically spend the holidays with mean drunks. Hot chocolate with or without amaretto or peppermint schnapps may be a safer - not to mention simpler - option. Then again, it does provide you with a sanctioned opportunity to light things on fire...even it is only sugar cubes. Enjoy!

Uncle Carl Lundquist's Glogg Recipe

2 quarts port wine

2 quarts claret

1 pint good brandy

15 whole cardamom seeds, peeled and crushed

25 whole cloves

1 pound white raisins

1-2 sticks cinnamon

peel of one whole orange

12 whole allspice

1/2 pound whole blanched almonds

1 1/2 pounds lump sugar

First pour all the wine into a fair sized enamel or stainless pan and bring to a simmer. DO NOT BOIL. Then wrap all the spices and raisins and nuts in cheesecloth bag and drop in the pot to simmer for 30 minutes.

When the wine is simmering, put all the lump sugar in a pie tin or heavy pan and pour the brandy over and light with a match. Leave burn until flame dies out. Then dump the whole thing into the simmering wine and continue to simmer for 15 minutes. Then let it cool, squeeze out the spice bag until as dry as possible, bottle, and you got it. It gets better with age. Heat to serve and add 2 raisins and 1 almond to each glass.

Note: my mother, who provided this recipe and is fundamentally incapable of following a recipe without tweaking it, shared the following advice for those of you who like to tinker or substitute. "Instead of the claret, which Uncle Carl always insisted upon, I use a bottle of merlot, a bottle of cabernet , a large bottle of port and a pint of brandy. Soaking the sugar cubes in the brandy and burning the brandy off really makes a difference. Let the cubes soak until partially melted, then light and watch the whole thing flame until a mushy mass. Then just scrape the whole mess into the pot and stir to dissolve the sugar. If you need to sweeten the mixture later, just add a little regular sugar to taste."

Okay. So go make up a batch, have a glass or three and then let me know...what are your favorite holiday traditions?

The Reject's Weekend Puzzler: Japanese Snack Food or IKEA Product?

Technically, this should go up tomorrow but it's my blog, and I declare that the weekend starts...now.

So here's something to ponder while you test holiday lights or stand in line at the checkout counter or wrap packages or drink to forget that it is the holiday season. Or maybe you're not there yet. Or just a grinch. No matter.

Put on your thinking cap and test your knowledge of the similarities between the lands of lutefisk and sushi.

1.) Kappa Ebisen

2.) Calpis

3.) Kompisar

4.) Panapp

5.) Tobo

6.) Kroby

7.) Poifull

8.) Mata

9.) Cubyrop

10.) Poscam

11.) Dragon

12.) Klubbo

13.) Botan

14.) Benno

Scoring:

Japanese snack food - 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, 10, 13

IKEA product - 3, 5, 6, 8, 11, 12, 14

How'd you do?

12-14 right - Pickled herring and natto for you, my friend!

9-11 - Hot sake and a plate of meatballs.

4-8 - A bowl of edamame and grav lax.

1-3 - White rice and a bag of swedish fish.

Poop or Chocolate? The Reject Investigates!

There comes a time in all parents' and caretakers' lives when they must ask - and attempt to answer - the critical and dreaded question: poop or chocolate?

Here is handy series of steps to follow when your child bounds into the room sporting a suspicious smear.

1.) If child is reliably verbal, ask whether substance is poop or chocolate. If credible witness (i.e. sibling, babysitter, grandparent) is nearby, attempt to corroborate this report. If child is not reliably verbal or you are in doubt of whether or not any available witness is credible, move on to step 2.

2.) Inspect the surroundings. Try not to act panicked or angry as this may alarm child or unreliable witness and they may attempt to hide evidence. Is there an open chocolate/granola/candy bar wrapper anywhere in the vicinity of child in question? If yes, this is strong evidence for chocolate. However to be safe (or if no) move on to step 3.

3.) Inspect the hands or feet or other body parts of child. Attempt to ascertain whether substance looks more like poop or chocolate. If this is inconclusive, move on to step 4.

4.) Sniff test. If you are brave (or female) you can attempt to smell the substance in question. (Note to the very brave: do not taste.) If you have a weak stomach (or are male) move on to step 5.

5.) Removal of soiled clothing followed by laundry (if clothing is affected) or bath (if skin/hair/ or other body part of subject is affected). Bath is advised in either case. Sometimes determining provenance of mystery substance is less important than simply taking care of business. Erring on the side of caution is always a reasonable plan under such circumstances. If you are unable to remove clothing and/or access laundry or bath, proceed to step 6.

6.) Presumably you have baby wipes, hand sanitizer, and/or bottled fluids (i.e. milk/water/juice) on hand. MacGyver that stain out with whatever tools necessary and available. You are a parent. You conceived it, you clean it. If unable to clean with available tools, create diversionary stain (using ink, cheese, tomato sauce, peanut butter, etc.) and attempt to gloss over suspicion of poop by saying loudly to subject "Let's not smear chocolate (or ink, cheese, etc.) on our pants again, okay?" If previously unforthcoming child suddenly becomes perversely verbal and volunteers the fact that said smear was in fact poop, laugh and tousle hair with a jovial "You are such a sillyhead!" and beat a hasty retreat.

Advice for similar circumstances:

Poop or peanut butter?

Follow above steps substituting "peanut butter" for "chocolate" and "peanut butter jar/granola bar/sandwich" for "chocolate/granola/candy bar wrapper" in step 2.

May also use "bear test" if bear is available, as bears love peanut butter and can be relied upon to lick at it. Occasional false positives will occur as bears will also sometimes lick at/maul non-peanut butter presentations. Not recommended if you are fond of child or if bear is rather hungry.

Poop or blood?

Follow above procedure, but in step 2 investigate child [as well as sibling and witness(es)] for injury. Especially critical if you have opted to employ the "bear test" for poop or peanut butter.