My daughter turned three today. And while the time has gone incredibly fast, I would say that the question - where did the time go? - is a bit disingenuous. I will tell you where the last three years went: trying to get my kid to sleep, picking up toys, managing tantrums, mopping up the floor, answering the question "why?" (about 20,000 times a day, lately), watching the same videos on YouTube over and over and over again, being hit in the nose with a sippy cup, worrying, worrying, and worrying some more.
Some of that time I wish had gone faster. Other times I wish I could have held onto more closely. A lot of the time I wish that I had been a better, more patient mother. But all in all, I've been watching my daughter closely this week and I have to conclude that I haven't done too bad of a job. Or at least I've done about as well as I could so far, being the person that I am.
The only evidence I have of this is the person that she is. And wow! She's a pretty cool person! Total nutcase. Intense. Energetic. Bright. Creative. Hilarious. There is never a dull moment. And while I can't say that she is this way because of anything I did or didn't do, I can say that it's clear I haven't yet broken her body, mind, OR spirit. Which is neither something to be proud of, nor the worst thing in the world. She has a lot of years - and a lot of other people to deal with - who can take care of that, even if it might have been an easier road for me to have done it.
In any event, I've learned a few things along the way. So I thought I'd share them. (What else is a blog for?) In no particular order.
1.) Always take extra (napkins, mayonnaise packets, plastic silverware, valium, diapers, wipes) if it is available.
2.) If you have the opportunity to use a restroom do so. If you have the opportunity to use a restroom by yourself, try to make it last as long as possible.
3.) If you do not pack a change of clothes (ditto: diapers, wipes, boxed wine, pacifier, snack) you will definitely need it. But don't think that packing it will help avoid needing it the way carrying an umbrella is supposed to ward off rain. It won't.
4.) Your butt is psychically linked to your baby. If you sit down, s/he will wake up. This is also true of your eyes and the camera on your video monitor. If you look at it, no matter how surreptitiously, your kid will suddenly start to twitch like that thing is shooting laser beams across the nursery.
5.) It is always happy hour somewhere. 10 am is not too early for a glass of wine, as long as you don't have to be driving anywhere or using power tools.
6.) Ants supposedly use two basic rules to build anthills: if you run into a piece of sand and you are not carrying one already, pick it up. If you run into a piece of sand and you are already carrying one, drop it. This also applies to children and toys, but it creates chaos, rather than toyhills.
7.) Anything clean is about to get dirty. Anything dirty can get dirtier.
8.) If it smells like poop, it probably is. Figuratively and literally.
9.) Farts are funny!
10.) You need less sleep than you think but you will miss it (and talk about it) more than you ever thought possible. Any no one else really cares. They have their own problems.
11.) You never know what is going on in someone else's family or relationship. Keep your judgments private. (I'd say "don't judge" but where's the fun in that? Plus, it is unrealistic.)
12.) You don't know what kind of parent you're going to be until you have a kid. You don't know what kind of kid you're going to get until they're born. The two are not unrelated.
13.) You will waste a lot of things: time, energy, food, gas, tears. Make resolutions to change if you must, but they often just set you up for more disappointment.
14.) Someone is probably doing it better than you. But someone is also probably doing it worse.
15.) Stop worrying about what you should be doing and do what works for you (within reason). When you are beating yourself up about something ask yourself not "what would supernanny do?" but something like "what would a parent in sub-saharan Africa do?" or "what would a serf living in the middle ages do?"or "what would Mayim Bialk do?" Perspective is one thing that is never wasted.
16.) You don't have to cherish every moment, because some moments just totally suck. But do try to record some of them in writing or photos or videos. You will forget both the good and the bad.
17.) It's hard being a human, whether you're 18 months or 38 years old.
18.) If you don't like kids, you might not want to have them. (And I'll throw this piece of advice in for free: if the human body freaks you out, don't become a massage therapist. Feet are freaky.)
19.) Sometimes the best piece of advice comes from the Wicked Witch of the West: "All in good time, my pretty. All in good time." Time is something of which there is never enough. Except when there is too much of it. (It is true, however, that you cannot have it in a bottle. No matter how much you pay for it.)
20.) Do not take your toddler with you to the gynecologist.
21.) Never put a banana in the pocket of your coat.
22.) Life isn't fair, but sometimes it is beautiful.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Crap-y Diem: On Not Cherishing Every Moment
When I started writing my dissertation, I used to freak out every time I read an article or book that touched on my topic. I would start hyperventilating, panicked that every new idea had already been published, every conclusion already drawn. Those were the glass half empty days, and luckily after about four months, a lightbulb popped on, and I entered a short blissful period of seeing the glass as half full: if someone else had already published it, I didn't have to! And I got to cite it! And include it in my labyrinth of footnotes as proof that my topic was timely and viable because at least one other person also thought to write about it! Sweet validation! Ah, but those were joyous days.
Sort of.
It's ten years later, and not really the same situation at all, but still I had a similar epiphany as I struggled with a post that I've been trying to write about the fleeting and conflicted feelings I have about cherishing every moment - or not - with my daughter. I find that one of the hardest things for me as a parent is knowing, at the very moment that I am furious/impatient/exhausted/bored with some parenting-related issue, that I probably will miss this moment some day.
I'll be freaking out at my daughter for smearing yoghurt/poop/chocolate all over herself/the floor/the TV remote, and all I want to do is be somewhere else/by myself/writing/drinking a mimosa and yet a tiny voice reminds me "this too shall pass - and that passage will make you improbably sad."In the moment, it certainly makes me feel guilty.
I think what the sadness boils down to is the way that nothing marks out the passage of time like having a child. Years used to slip into each other, days and weeks rolling into themselves, with little to suggest how much was changing. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the changes of seasons: all provided annual opportunities for celebration, reflection, and taking stock. But with children, there is a sense that things are always changing. New words or skills or milestones appear at breakneck speed. Clothes are outgrown in what seems like seconds. Favorite colors and friends flicker in and out of favor in a matter of minutes. Just as soon as I think I've gotten my bearings, I realize that my daughter is moving on, waiting for me to catch up with her.
And the guilt? Well, for one thing, I know I'm lucky I've been able to spend so much time with her, chasing her around, watching her grow, and thinking about who she is and who she will become. I know it's unreasonable to expect to enjoy every moment as a mother, but I just can't escape the sense that I should be enjoying more of them. Or at least enjoying some of them a heck of a lot more.
Thank goodness someone else put all this into a blog post before me, so I don't have to. Thank you, Glennon Melton for writing this post: Don't Carpe Diem.
And a big thank you as well to whoever originally shared that link with me. I cannot remember who you are, that part of my brain having been fried by watching too many episodes of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. But if I had footnotes on my blog, I would totally put you in them.
Sort of.
It's ten years later, and not really the same situation at all, but still I had a similar epiphany as I struggled with a post that I've been trying to write about the fleeting and conflicted feelings I have about cherishing every moment - or not - with my daughter. I find that one of the hardest things for me as a parent is knowing, at the very moment that I am furious/impatient/exhausted/bored with some parenting-related issue, that I probably will miss this moment some day.
I'll be freaking out at my daughter for smearing yoghurt/poop/chocolate all over herself/the floor/the TV remote, and all I want to do is be somewhere else/by myself/writing/drinking a mimosa and yet a tiny voice reminds me "this too shall pass - and that passage will make you improbably sad."In the moment, it certainly makes me feel guilty.
I think what the sadness boils down to is the way that nothing marks out the passage of time like having a child. Years used to slip into each other, days and weeks rolling into themselves, with little to suggest how much was changing. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, the changes of seasons: all provided annual opportunities for celebration, reflection, and taking stock. But with children, there is a sense that things are always changing. New words or skills or milestones appear at breakneck speed. Clothes are outgrown in what seems like seconds. Favorite colors and friends flicker in and out of favor in a matter of minutes. Just as soon as I think I've gotten my bearings, I realize that my daughter is moving on, waiting for me to catch up with her.
And the guilt? Well, for one thing, I know I'm lucky I've been able to spend so much time with her, chasing her around, watching her grow, and thinking about who she is and who she will become. I know it's unreasonable to expect to enjoy every moment as a mother, but I just can't escape the sense that I should be enjoying more of them. Or at least enjoying some of them a heck of a lot more.
Thank goodness someone else put all this into a blog post before me, so I don't have to. Thank you, Glennon Melton for writing this post: Don't Carpe Diem.
And a big thank you as well to whoever originally shared that link with me. I cannot remember who you are, that part of my brain having been fried by watching too many episodes of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. But if I had footnotes on my blog, I would totally put you in them.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Another Reject Quiz: Are you a Bad Parent?
Those of us who have kids all worry about it from time to time: are we bad parents? The answer is probably yes.
Kidding! The answer is probably no, but it can't hurt to do a little quiz.
If you don't have kids yet, feel free to check out the virtual parent in you by picking the answers you think would best describe your parenting style. Or try Are you Ready to Be a Parent? Already know you don't want kids but feel like taking a quiz? How about Japanese Snack Food or IKEA Product or Serial Killer vs. Stay at Home Mom.
1.) How many children do you have:
a.) not enough
b.) too damn many
c.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing outside
d.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing with kerosene and a box of matches
2.) My main reasons for becoming a parent were:
a.) children are a joy without which life would be bleak and incomplete
b.) tequila and questionable judgement
c.) dishwasher is broken, hate to do laundry - little hands are built for chores!
3.) If my parenting style were represented by an animal, it would be a:
a.) tiger
b.) sloth
c.) brown-headed cowbird
4.) My approach to discipline is:
a.) innocent until proven guilty
b.) guilty until proven innocent
c.) Kaspar Hauser
6.) Your twelve-year-old son asks to sleep over at a friend's house. Your response:
a.) sure - so glad the kid has friends - but check in with the friend's parents before giving permission
b.) whoo-hoo! there's a "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon and chardonnay don't drink itself!
c.) our kid has been living with friends since the age of eight
7.) Your kids call you:
a.) mom or dad
b.) by first name
c.) rarely to never
8.) Your nine year old daughter is:
a.) a star athlete and excellent student
b.) insecure but kindly
c.) pregnant
9.) Finish this phrase: Ain't nobody happy if _________
a.) My kid ain't happy
b.) Mama ain't happy
c.) Mama ain't got weed
10.) If others had to describe your relationship to your children in terms of a moving vehicle it would be:
a.) helicopter
b.) bulldozer
c.) clown car
11.) At the end of the day, there is not enough ______ in the world to make me consider ______ more children.
a.) money, not having
b.) Vicodin, having
c.) rope, hanging...wait...I meant "having"...that's like a thought typo. Freaky! Is that Freudian?...but who started talking about rope, anyway?...heh heh...burp...want a tipple?
12.) Bullying:
a.) Is offensive, damaging, and completely unacceptable
b.) Is like nut allergies: something incomprehensibly (and potentially contestably) on the rise
c.) Gets results
13.) I put my children to bed with:
a.) a story, warm milk, and a kiss
b.) a stuffed animal and a firm goodnight
c.) Benadryl and bourbon
14.) If people tried my life, they would think I was:
a.) a lucky, lucky schmuck
b.) a martyr or saint
c.) a schmuck
15.) The best gift my kid could give me would be:
a.) anything they made or chose would be a treasure
b.) silence
c.) figuring out how to light my cigarettes without burning their fingers
Mostly A's - you either don't have kids, don't spend much time with them, or got really lucky. You may also be lying.
Mostly B's - well, at least you're honest.
Mostly C's - maybe you should be a little less honest. Or a little more worried. You need a break. And a plan. Pull a cowbird for a bit and contemplate how to find the joy in your lineage.
Mostly D's - did you really take this quiz?
Kidding! The answer is probably no, but it can't hurt to do a little quiz.
If you don't have kids yet, feel free to check out the virtual parent in you by picking the answers you think would best describe your parenting style. Or try Are you Ready to Be a Parent? Already know you don't want kids but feel like taking a quiz? How about Japanese Snack Food or IKEA Product or Serial Killer vs. Stay at Home Mom.
1.) How many children do you have:
a.) not enough
b.) too damn many
c.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing outside
d.) not entirely sure, but I think a couple are playing with kerosene and a box of matches
2.) My main reasons for becoming a parent were:
a.) children are a joy without which life would be bleak and incomplete
b.) tequila and questionable judgement
c.) dishwasher is broken, hate to do laundry - little hands are built for chores!
3.) If my parenting style were represented by an animal, it would be a:
a.) tiger
b.) sloth
c.) brown-headed cowbird
4.) My approach to discipline is:
a.) innocent until proven guilty
b.) guilty until proven innocent
c.) Kaspar Hauser
5.) My feelings about children are:
a.) mostly positive
b.) mostly negative
c.) Kaspar Hauser
a.) sure - so glad the kid has friends - but check in with the friend's parents before giving permission
b.) whoo-hoo! there's a "Say Yes to the Dress" marathon and chardonnay don't drink itself!
c.) our kid has been living with friends since the age of eight
7.) Your kids call you:
a.) mom or dad
b.) by first name
c.) rarely to never
8.) Your nine year old daughter is:
a.) a star athlete and excellent student
b.) insecure but kindly
c.) pregnant
9.) Finish this phrase: Ain't nobody happy if _________
a.) My kid ain't happy
b.) Mama ain't happy
c.) Mama ain't got weed
10.) If others had to describe your relationship to your children in terms of a moving vehicle it would be:
a.) helicopter
b.) bulldozer
c.) clown car
11.) At the end of the day, there is not enough ______ in the world to make me consider ______ more children.
a.) money, not having
b.) Vicodin, having
c.) rope, hanging...wait...I meant "having"...that's like a thought typo. Freaky! Is that Freudian?...but who started talking about rope, anyway?...heh heh...burp...want a tipple?
12.) Bullying:
a.) Is offensive, damaging, and completely unacceptable
b.) Is like nut allergies: something incomprehensibly (and potentially contestably) on the rise
c.) Gets results
13.) I put my children to bed with:
a.) a story, warm milk, and a kiss
b.) a stuffed animal and a firm goodnight
c.) Benadryl and bourbon
14.) If people tried my life, they would think I was:
a.) a lucky, lucky schmuck
b.) a martyr or saint
c.) a schmuck
15.) The best gift my kid could give me would be:
a.) anything they made or chose would be a treasure
b.) silence
c.) figuring out how to light my cigarettes without burning their fingers
Mostly A's - you either don't have kids, don't spend much time with them, or got really lucky. You may also be lying.
Mostly B's - well, at least you're honest.
Mostly C's - maybe you should be a little less honest. Or a little more worried. You need a break. And a plan. Pull a cowbird for a bit and contemplate how to find the joy in your lineage.
Mostly D's - did you really take this quiz?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)